Wasting Your Time Since 1988

A friend of mine recently told me he met a strange fellow online via AIM. I’m not usually one to judge people over the internet, but some folks are just too open with information they share to strangers. It seems as though the internet is the one common place these people inhabit, solely to express themselves to their peers. Every one of these personalities may have taken flight via the invention of the internet (thanks, Al Gore).

So, without further adieu, I give you 10 incredible personalities you can find only on the internet.

1. The Martial Arts Master

Typically found on fitness/martial arts forums, these fellows are seemingly normal - until they tell you how they recently built a linux distro using 14 katanas and a brick. You don’t want to anger these people, they always have a healthy stock of Air Miles to fly directly to your house.

2. The “Where Did You Find That!?” Treasure Keeper

I’ve seen some cool, and truly unique things in my day. Some people are natural born treasure hunters. eBay has brought an entire generation together, targetting the needs and desires of the absolutely insane. Getting a Burger King mask for halloween does not qualify - but maybe an Officer McCheese head does.

3. The Walking 90’s Cliche

This is usually what happens when either you: A) Get your clothes on eBay, or B) Watch too many movies from the 90’s. Usually found on sites like Fark and Ebaumsworld, their main mission in life is to represent everything that you see too much of in the media of last century.

4. The Otaku (or, Obsessed with Japanese Pop Culture)

Ugh. There’s nothing that really makes me break out into a cold sweat more than when I see a 1996 Honda Civic covered in glossy Hello Kitty paint and decals. What the frick. The driver is white? WHAT? These folk can be found (in real life) at your nearest Anime/Manga stores, perusing the aisles, or telling you how much Dragon Ball Z is the shame of the Anime world.How many Domo-Kun fuzzy dice things do you need on your rear-view mirror, anyway?

5. Crazy Cat People

There’s a difference between owning a cat, and being owned by your cat. Cat people are seemingly mind controlled by their feline companions. Spending $3,000 on a cat condo means you are owned by your cat. A cat doesn’t need a condo. You need a condo. Or something. A hobby? PS - I love cats, I just don’t see why you gotta own six.

6. Extreme Hobbyists

I’ve had the pleasures of seeing videos of: people with balloon fetishes, and investing a couple thousand dollars in balloons, balloon machines, and other inflatables. Usually found in the most narrow niches of the internet, kind of like if the internet were a pair of jeans - these people would be in the coin pocket I suppose.

7. MySpace Musicians

Have you ever been to a party and noticed a few oddly assembled hipsters leering over a computer, then suddenly the lively music dies, and within seconds you’re hearing the most inaudible, experimentally terrible music in the world? Well, that’s MySpace music for you. Anyone and everyone shamelessly promote their awful garage bands via the intertubes. MySpace has ruined so much of the sanctity of the internet already, we don’t need to hear your latest ‘demo’ at a social gathering, let alone through a pair of headphones.

8. Narcissistic Bloggers

Hot blogspot domain? Check.
Cool photos of some sticks you took in your backyard? Check.
Hours to waste writing about how you know how 9/11 was an inside job? Check.

9. Artists With No Shame

Alright, this may be a bit touchy, but taking syringes full of blood and painting a picture of murder does not appeal to me. Commonly found on DeviantArt, some of these folks simply have no shame when it comes to drawing/painting without disgression. (Have you ever seen some of these illustrations? People getting r@ped by centaurs? WTF?)

10. Anthromorphs, aka Furries

This is a common personality lately, and it’s frightening. Your next door neighbour could be a furry. Just sayin’.

Make sure you keep yourself aware of these people at all times, you never know when you’ll have the pleasure of meeting one of these fine folk.

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